I have to admit that recently I’ve been putting on a facade on this blog. Being positive when I’m really miserable. So miserable. I feel like crying every moment of the day and I’m constantly exhausted. And I really didn’t want to blog about this, but then two things happened. 1, I read L’s post about friends, and then, because of that I realised that 2, this blog is where I can be honest and myself.
Things aren’t going so well. School has become a new level of terrible and I don’t think that I’ve felt this sad about anything. And if I think about it, the entirety of my school life has been building up to this moment when I feel like I’m broken. Like I’m the issue.
In primary school I was bullied for four years by this group of guys in the year above. And I didn’t have many friends then, and constantly felt pushed to the side, then having brief friendships that didn’t end well.
I thought that things would be different in high school, and that I would find people that I can be friends with through it all. Things were good in the start of year seven, then I started feeling more and more pushed to the side, disregarded. Then more drama came my way and I don’t even know why, and someone called me a c*nt when I was 12. 12 years old, and they call me that. Year 8 and 9 consisted of me floating between friends, never having the constant friends that everyone else seemed to have.
By the middle of year nine it finally felt like I had friends, only until for some reason, that I am also unaware of, one of my friends, who I will name J, decided to tell people that I’d said a range of despicable things about my other closer friends at the time that weekend when J was at mine for the weekend. Which was completely untrue. I’d only heard about this happening mid-week, after feeling totally isolated for the beginning of the week. Another friend told me the cause of the isolation and I couldn’t contain my tears. When everyone found out that I’d intact not said these horrible things and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, they were all looking for J, but she had left the school permanently, leaving this huge mess in her wake.
In the final term of year nine, my friend, M, and I became more and more distant (again, I have no idea why) and she became increasingly mean and teachers even got involved in her bitter attitude to me.
At the start of year 10, I though that M and I could be civil, and we were. We were even friends again. I hung out with M, and three others: C, N, E, and we were really close for a while. But then M started acting the same as she had with me at the end of the year to N and I. And now, she continues to be mean.
As we have mutual friends in the mornings we all collect in a general area and N and I receive horrible looks from M, and she talks about us in front of us, talking very loudly. One time in particular I had the nerve to ask “why are you looking at me like that?”, not even in a mean way, just neutrally, and what I got in reply was: “Oh don’t you start with me.” In the most horrible way that could have been said. Even though this has been continuing for a while, I still can’t block it out. Every time she’s horrible it’s like someone is punching me in the face. It hurts more and more each time. I don’t even know if I should be getting over it. All I know is that I can’t. And the teachers know what she’s doing, and how she’s acting, and how crap it’s making me feel all the time, and they haven’t done anything and continue to do nothing. Should I be able to ignore her? That’s what they tel me to do, but I just can’t. I don’t know what hurts more, whether I don’t know what I did to deserve this, or that it’s happening.
Now, I’m trying to make friends again, and I feel so scared because I don’t want ‘clingy’ or like I’m bothering them, and I don’t want the friendships to become like what I’m experiencing with M now. I was so close to feeling like I could go out there and make friends again, and I had started, I really had. I’d been hanging out with P & Y at lunch and at the end of a lunch I was walking with Y and M shouted, “Y, I need to speak with you,” (they happen to be friends), and not wanting to cause drama or anything, I say bye to Y and head towards registration. When I look back, I see M and H ( Someone I’ve been friends with for years,) talking to Y and staring right at me.
The following day Y told me that M had asked “When did this friendship start?” (meaning between Y and I) and when Y had replied “just the past couple weeks, why?” (or something along those lines, M had replied “Oh, I was just checking/concerned, is all” (or something along those lines). I trust Y, as I’ve known her since year 3, and she wouldn’t lie about something like that, but when I heard that, I didn’t want to believe that it had happened. And under no circumstanced do I want Y to stopping friends with M, because they’re friends and in no way do I want to have a negative influence on someone else’s friendships because of my issues.
It’s anti-bullying week in the UK, (I’m not sure about the rest of the world), and we had an assembly during which we sit in register-order. I happen to sit next to M. (her last name starts with M and mine starts with an L.) And in the assembly I start crying, because of EVERYTHING what has happened in my life was somehow mentioned in my life, even mentioning how bullying can lead to Depression, (which my dad currently has,) Anorexia, which my sister has had in the past year, and social anxiety, which I have, made my tears fall like a waterfall. M laughed. She bloody laughed at me. She laughed at me for having emotions. For being hurt. For having to sit next to someone that could be accused of bulling me durning a bullying assembly.
I can’t deal with this anymore. I really can’t. I have no idea what I’ve done to people for all of this to happen. I thought that things were bad in primary school with the teasing and name calling, battings just keep on getting worse and worse. And it’s stupid of me to focus on myself, as I know that I’m not the only one going through bad shit. I really do. But I just feel so horrible all the time. Constantly worrying who I’d it with at lunch and other petty things that really don’t mean that much at all.
I’m sorry for this horrible post. I just didn’t want to keep it all up and pretend anymore.