What’s Going On.

I have to admit that recently I’ve been putting on a facade on this blog. Being positive when I’m really miserable. So miserable. I feel like crying every moment of the day and I’m constantly exhausted. And I really didn’t want to blog about this, but then two things happened. 1, I read L’s post about friends, and then, because of that I realised that 2, this blog is where I can be honest and myself.

Things aren’t going so well. School has become a new level of terrible and I don’t think that I’ve felt this sad about anything. And if I think about it, the entirety of my school life has been building up to this moment when I feel like I’m broken. Like I’m the issue.

In primary school I was bullied for four years by this group of guys in the year above. And I didn’t have many friends then, and constantly felt pushed to the side, then having brief friendships that didn’t end well.

I thought that things would be different in high school, and that I would find people that I can be friends with through it all. Things were good in the start of year seven, then I started feeling more and more pushed to the side, disregarded. Then more drama came my way and I don’t even know why, and someone called me a c*nt when I was 12. 12 years old, and they call me that. Year 8 and 9 consisted of me floating between friends, never having the constant friends that everyone else seemed to have.

By the middle of year nine it finally felt like I had friends, only until for some reason, that I am also unaware of, one of my friends, who I will name J, decided to tell people that I’d said a range of despicable things about my other closer friends at the time that weekend when J was at mine for the weekend. Which was completely untrue. I’d only heard about this happening mid-week, after feeling totally isolated for the beginning of the week. Another friend told me the cause of the isolation and I couldn’t contain my tears. When everyone found out that I’d intact not said these horrible things and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, they were all looking for J, but she had left the school permanently, leaving this huge mess in her wake.

In the final term of year nine, my friend, M, and I became more and more distant (again, I have no idea why) and she became increasingly mean and teachers even got involved in her bitter attitude to me.

At the start of year 10, I though that M and I could be civil, and we were. We were even friends again. I hung out with M, and three others: C, N, E, and we were really close for a while. But then M started acting the same as she had with me at the  end of the year to N and I. And now, she continues to be mean.

As we have mutual friends in the mornings we all collect in a general area and N and I receive horrible looks from M, and she talks about us in front of us, talking very loudly. One time in particular I had the nerve to ask “why are you looking at me like that?”, not even in a mean way, just neutrally, and what I got in reply was: “Oh don’t you start with me.” In the most horrible way that could have been said. Even though this has been continuing for a while, I still can’t block it out. Every time she’s horrible it’s like someone is punching me in the face. It hurts more and more each time. I don’t even know if I should be getting over it. All I know is that I can’t. And the teachers know what she’s doing, and how she’s acting, and how crap it’s making me feel all the time, and they haven’t done anything and continue to do nothing. Should I be able to ignore her? That’s what they tel me to do, but I just can’t. I don’t know what hurts more, whether I don’t know what I did to deserve this, or that it’s happening.

Now, I’m trying to make friends again, and I feel so scared because I don’t want ‘clingy’ or like I’m bothering them, and I don’t want the friendships  to become like what I’m experiencing with M now. I was so close to feeling like I could go out there and make friends again, and I had started, I really had. I’d been hanging out with P & Y at lunch and at the end of a lunch I was walking with Y and M shouted, “Y, I need to speak with you,” (they happen to be friends), and not wanting to cause drama or anything, I say bye to Y and head towards registration. When I look back, I see M and H ( Someone I’ve been friends with for years,) talking to Y and staring right at me.

The following day Y told me that M had asked “When did this friendship start?” (meaning between Y and I) and when Y had replied “just the past couple weeks, why?”  (or something along those lines, M had replied “Oh, I was just checking/concerned, is all” (or something along those lines). I trust Y, as I’ve known her since year 3, and she wouldn’t lie about something like that, but when I heard that, I didn’t want to believe that it had happened. And under no circumstanced do I want Y to stopping friends with M, because they’re friends and in no way do I want to have a negative influence on someone else’s friendships because of my issues.

It’s anti-bullying week in the UK, (I’m not sure about the rest of the world), and we had an assembly during which we sit in register-order. I happen to sit next to M. (her last name starts with M and mine starts with an L.) And in the assembly I start crying, because of EVERYTHING what has happened in my life was somehow mentioned in my life, even mentioning how bullying can lead to Depression, (which my dad currently has,) Anorexia, which my sister has had in the past year, and social anxiety, which I have, made my tears fall like a waterfall. M laughed. She bloody laughed at me. She laughed at me for having emotions. For being hurt. For having to sit next to someone that could be accused of bulling me durning a bullying assembly.

I can’t deal with this anymore. I really can’t. I have no idea what I’ve done to people for all of this to happen. I thought that things were bad in primary school with the teasing and name calling, battings just keep on getting worse and worse. And it’s stupid of me to focus on myself, as I know that I’m not the only one going through bad shit. I really do. But I just feel so horrible all the time. Constantly worrying who I’d it with at lunch and other petty things that really don’t mean that much at all.

I’m sorry for this horrible post. I just didn’t want to keep it all up and pretend anymore.

Lu

 

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29 thoughts on “What’s Going On.

  1. Hey girl.
    I was picked on throughout my entire school career. I was overweight. I was called seacow, beast, pretty much every fat name in the book. It was horrible. In eighth grade my friends that I happened to have decided to stop talking to me. I was crying and frustrated. I found out my friend Tania, who was so cruel, thought it would be “funny” and said it was a joke. I stopped hanging out with them after that. I preferred being alone to THAT.
    In high school, it was a little better, because I stopped caring. I became angry. I hung out at the church across the street and smoked cigarettes with the “bad kids.” I skipped class. I used to be a good student, doing my homework at lunch with my old friends, but after that prank, I was done. I developed some friendships with the older juniors and seniors but I was still the fat girl.
    Once I went to college, IT ALL CHANGED. The girls that ignored me wanted to be my friend. The boys that teased me and pretended to hit on me and laughed about it (bc it is funny to make the fat girl think someone liked her, right?) were super nice and flirty for real. It is HIGH SCHOOL. It’s a symptom of the disease. Same with all the other grades. Kids tease because they’re mean, insecure, trying to fit in or be “cool.” As someone who makes friends all the time now, (I’m still not a skinny girl) I WISH there were blogs when I was your age! I wouldn’t have felt so alone. There was AOL instant Messenger, and most people that used that back then were sexual predators. Books were my escape.
    I understand the social anxiety, too. I’m finally on meds that really help. But as I have always told you, I’m here for you. We may be an ocean away (I’m in the US, you’re in the UK) but we are real friends. And I don’t even know what you look like. And it doesn’t matter.
    I love you, honey. Remember that even though it’s hard now, because it is and I’ll never say to get over it, bide your time. College is so different. At graduation, everyone will talk to you. But for some reason, until then, people are pricks.
    😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh, I’m tearing up! That was so beautifully put, and I think that just made my day. I’m not sure what else to say apart form thank you! It was so inspirational, and I’m not sure what else to say, it’s left me speechless and on the brink of happy tears ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly, I just want to say that you’re doing the right thing by talking (even if only on your blog) about the issues you’re going through. Reading your post, I had so many flashbacks of my time in school. I was constantly bullied at high school; I didn’t fit in with anybody, and most of the girls that I was “friends” with all ended up turning against me for reasons I didn’t understand. By the end of high school I had no friends, and I ended up leaving my school and going to a different sixth form. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. I had the time of my life at sixth form and met some amazing people, people who I’m still friends with today. I’m now in my second year of university and I also have some amazing friends here too.
    I know what you’re going through, but just know that some day you will find your place and you will meet amazing people (whether that be sixth form, university or at a job). As you get older, people become more mature and more open & understanding.
    And as for the social anxiety – do not be ashamed to be a sufferer. I suffer with GAD & depression; something which I didn’t want to face up to for a long time, but now that I have, life is so much better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
    Sorry for the mega long comment! I hope things improve for you. I’m always here if you want somebody to talk to. I love your blog!
    Mel xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mel,
      Don’t apologise or the long comment, it was so lovely hear all the support. It was so inspiring to hear how you’ve become a happier person. Thank you again, and thank you for the comment about my blog,
      Lu ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Lu, what you’re going through sucks. Being bullied and not having friends is horrible. I’ve had to go through the same, but things get better. In the mean time, I’m here if you want to talk ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi,
      Thank you, Lia. Things have been better today, but I’m dreading Monday as I have no idea what mood M will be in. . .

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I know exactly how you feel, girl. And it’s hard to put that face/attitude on when you really feel like crap. Physically and/or emotionally. Hang in there… Don’t feel bad for wanting to vent and discuss your feelings and emotions with us! We are here for you!! Here to listen and talk to. I really hope things get better for you soon and that you start feeling better as well. ❤️😘

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had similar struggles when I was in school. Just remember that high school is a miniature world you’re stuck in, and it’s easy to forget that there is an entire life and world outside it. Just remember that school only takes up a fraction of your life. When you’re out (gosh I make it sound like prison!) it’s much easier to surround yourself with positive people. Hang in there and don’t feel bad for ranting if it helps you feel better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Sarah. My sister has also said that everything changes after high school, and I’m really looking forwards to it. Things seem to be getting better today, thank you again for the support 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re brave to post this. Good for you for putting the truth out there. High school is tough–especially the first couple years, I think. It will get better, though. It’s really hard to be bullied and to feel isolated, but you will get through it and leave it behind. Just know in the meantime that you’re not alone. Sending you good vibes. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I hear you. I had similar instances happen to me in high school. I just want you to know that it will get better, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs if that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi,
      Thank you, although I know things will get better, hearing it really helped. I guess right now is something that a lot of people go through and will probably make me learn a lot. Of course hugs are okay 🙂
      Thank you again,
      Lu

      Like

  8. I freaking hate that, I can’t pack myself in a box and ship my ass over there. I read so many of these posts, these people that are going through the same thing I am. I feel so bad I just want to hug everyone and it sucks because I’m stuck behind this screen. I’m really really sorry, that sucks really bad. I hate having “friends” That are friends with me just because they act like they like me. If you don’t like me then say it, don’t stuff yourself into a stereotype of a friend and act out a lie! I don’t get people. They can be so incredibly nice one day, and then the next be a complete bitch. Gaahh
    If it makes you feel better 99% of the time I’m faking it too. We fake it because we want to make people laugh, we want people to smile. That’s kind of our jobs or maybe it’s just mine I don’t know. It works though you’ve made me laugh and smile even when your miserable, your work can make someone else’s shitty day feel a lot better. You can turn misery into happiness. Don’t apologize for an emotional post, most of us are going through the same thing.

    *Gives virtual hug
    Love ya

    -Abby 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *Returns virtual hug*.
      Exactly, I faked it for so long because I didn’t want to bring the negativity only blog and have this blog as positive as it can be.
      Fake friends are the worst, I’ve had enough of fake friends and I wish that people could just say what they truly mean and be honest with each other.
      — Lu xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU LIVE A MILLION MILES AWAY???!!!! IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND CITY AND SCHOOL AND IT KILLS BECAUSE I CAN’T JUST HOP ON A PLANE BECAUSE OF MONEY AND SCHOOL AND MY LIFE!!!!! WHYYYY??!!! Well you expressed it on your blog mine is still just unicorns, rainbows, and sarcasm. Shouldn’t you be asleep anyway?? It’s like 11-12 p.m over there if I still remember time zones.

        Liked by 1 person

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