Despite what we’re all told growing up, I think that it’s inevitable that we judge and compare ourselves to others at some point in our lives. Whether it’s for just a moment, or a long period in our lives. And I bet that we’ve all thought—at least once—“I wish that I was. . .”, rather than being happy in our own skin and who we are.
I’ve had this before, where I panic that when people laughed in the distance as I walked past, they were laughing at me, where I’ve been unhappy with my image, and just who I am. It got to the point where I never left the house apart from school.
And then, for a while, I was okay. I thought that I was just like everyone else.
But this weekend, things happened, and apart from certain times, I’ve just not felt like myself. It’s like I was seeing my body in a different perspective, and I thought, “God, I’m so fat.”, “I’m so big.”, “No-one will ever like me for who I am.” and I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. It was there for hours. And as I walked up and down the high street, it was like I could feel all these phantom eyes following me, the imaginary stares burning into every inch of me.
And it made me so sad. All the negativity that I’ve felt about myself over the past four years came rushing into my mind again. And I felt stupid for feeling like I was anything but the “fat girl”. And I just had this need to be alone. To push away and just escape like I used to.
And I hate the person I become when I get like that. I hate that side of me.
I coil everything up inside, and refuse to share what I think. And I snap at the people I care about. And I get annoyed at myself for doing that. Which means that I beat myself up about it more and more. Until that coil can’t hold itself together anymore. Until I can’t.
And that all makes me so annoyed at myself for feeling that way. Because it’s me just being stupid and pathetic. Because even if I am fat, people will like me for who I am, and I’m stupid for thinking the opposite.
And it saddens me so much that there are so many other people who have the same thoughts: that they aren’t good enough just as they are.
So there’s another post that I’ll likely delete later.