Body Image.

Despite what we’re all told growing up, I think that it’s inevitable that we judge and compare ourselves to others at some point in our lives. Whether it’s for just a moment, or a long period in our lives. And I bet that we’ve all thought—at least once—“I wish that I was. . .”, rather than being happy in our own skin and who we are.

I’ve had this before, where I panic that when people laughed in the distance as I walked past, they were laughing at me,  where I’ve been unhappy with my image, and just who I am.  It got to the point where I never left the house apart from school.

And then, for a while, I was okay. I thought that I was just like everyone else.

But this weekend, things happened, and apart from certain times, I’ve just not felt like myself. It’s like I was seeing my body in a different perspective, and I thought, “God, I’m so fat.”, “I’m so big.”, “No-one will ever like me for who I am.” and I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. It was there for hours. And as I walked up and down the high street, it was like I could feel all these phantom eyes following me, the imaginary stares burning into every inch of me.

And it made me so sad. All the negativity that I’ve felt about myself over the past four years came rushing into my mind again. And I felt stupid for feeling like I was anything but the “fat girl”. And I just had this need to be alone. To push away and just escape like I used to.

And I hate the person I become when I get like that. I hate that side of me.

I coil everything up inside, and refuse to share what I think. And I snap at the people I care about. And I get annoyed at myself for doing that. Which means that I beat myself up about it more and more. Until that coil can’t hold itself together anymore. Until I can’t.

And that all makes me so annoyed at myself for feeling that way. Because it’s me just being stupid and pathetic. Because even if I am fat, people will like me for who I am, and I’m stupid for thinking the opposite.

And it saddens me so much that there are so many other people who have the same thoughts: that they aren’t good enough just as they are.


So there’s another post that I’ll likely delete later.

Lu

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12 thoughts on “Body Image.

  1. Don’t feel that way! I feel like a hypocrite for telling you that though since I am constantly thinking the same way about myself. But, I know that it’s true. Everyone is amazing! Sometimes it all comes crashing down on us though, that sadness, but tell it to go eff itself. Be confident in your skin and tell yourself you’re the mother effing queen ✌🏻👑

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ll tell you something – you’re neither pathetic knowr anything of the sort. I understand how you feel, because I have exactly the same thing – in reverse perhaps, but it’s still the same. Don’t feel worried about snapping at people, because no one can blame you for it; just remember that if you do ever need to talk, there are so many people who would listen to you. Feeling insecure about your body isn’t something you should beat yourself up over. You’re wonderful no matter what size you are XX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this Elm, ❤ I think that I just need to stop worrying about negative things that everyone could be thinking of me, and just be happier within myself

      Liked by 1 person

  3. thinking of negative thoughts sends me down a spiral of sadness also. The thing is (in my opinion), it doesn’t matter if you are fat or skinny short or tall, I mean people.will notice tbh but everyone else understands the struggles of maintaining weight and trying to look pretty. What is beautiful in your mind is different from everyone else’s and why even try to satisfy everyone? ,If you are happy, no one else should care a *@^#. Hugs ,💟💟

    Liked by 1 person

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