Stay Strong Tag.

Hey,

I was nominated by the lovely Aspen for the Stay Strong Tag which was created by Penny from My Life Anonymously Blog. I think that it’s a really wonderful tag, and thank you for letting m be a part of it.

The Rules:

1. Put the Supergirl (or Superman if you are a guy) logo/image on the post.
2. Mention the creator of the tag and provide a link as well.
3. Tag 3 people to do this tag and let them know that they’ve been nominated.
4. There are a few ways to do the tag, and there they are:

• Talk about your own experience with suicidal thoughts and how you got through it and tips on how you got through it.
• Even if you haven’t gotten through it, talk about it. Tell people your problems to show other people they aren’t alone.
• Talk about if you knew someone who tried to commit suicide or actually went through with it.
• Even if you don’t know anyone personally and you yourself haven’t gone through this, share some tips you might have anyways. Or make a post dedicated to people who have these thoughts and how you care.

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So, I haven’t really spoken about this for a while, and I don’t think that I went into much detail before, but when I was younger, my dad was really sick. He had bowel cancer, and as a result, fell into heavy depression, took a lot of medication and other. . . substances. . . to help with the pain. And spent 3 or so years like this. And, even now, 10 years later, he still suffers with depression, PTSD, etc, not as bad as before, but the vast amount of operations he’s had over the past ten years has seem to have kept him in this state of sadness that hovers around him.

I don’t know whether he was suicidal. I don’t think I’ll ever get that question answered, but I think he was. I can’t be sure.

But, despite all this, he’s been able to get his life in motion again. He’s doing a Physics Degree as part of the Open University and has recently moved into a house with his girlfriend in Cornwall and I really hope that with the new surroundings, calmer life, he can be happy again and feel like his life is going somewhere. And he can be happy. That’s all I want for him, despite everything that’s happened between us over the years. And I think that he’s on the road to getting that.

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Personally, I’ve been in this state. It was a year ago. And around when I started, but not really started, this blog. It’s difficult for me to talk about because I don’t know what “triggered it” or when or how i “got out of it” and stopped having those thoughts because, honestly sometimes I still get them. holy shit I’ve not said that aloud.

I felt—feel—like I’m not good enough for people, and that could have “ started” it. I always compare/compared myself, and what I do/did, to other people and automatically think that they’re better than I am/was . People tell me otherwise, that I’m not anything that I’m thinking about myself, and I love them for it. But sometimes, it’s  difficult to believe what they say is really true, that they’re talking about you. That you could mean something to them. 

Almost a year ago, when everything with me happened, I felt so alone. I wasn’t alone, but I felt alone. Like everyone will walk away eventually. And it still feels like everyone is eventually going to walk away from me. Like what’s happened throughout my life.

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A few weeks ago I found out that my friend has depression and tried to kill herself. Currently, she’s on medication that’s trying to help her, but I know that she gets conflicting thoughts within herself and finds talking to people about what she’s feeling difficult.

I haven’t really gotten a chance to speak to her about it, as there hasn’t been the “right time” to talk about it. Even though, really, there never is the “right time” to talk about things like this.

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If you ever feel like this, or experience anything, or even if you don’t remember:

• Always talk about things. Even if you aren’t, to keep your mental health “in check”, it’s always best to talk about things to someone else. As I’ve been told by a few people very dear to my heart recently, what you are feeling does matter, what you’re going through does matter, and you matter.
• Don’t beat yourself up for what you’re feeling. It’s human to feel. Whether it’s feeing good, or feeling bad, it’s okay.
• Know, that maybe not right now—maybe not in a few days, or a week, or six months, a year, however long it takes—but eventually, things will be alright.

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So I have no idea who to tag for this, but if you feel like you have something to share about this topic, feel more than welcome to complete it. Actually, I recommend it, as despite it being a difficult post to write, it helped me sort things through in my head a little bit.

As always,

Lu X