Things ive been writing all year and not posting. 

Beware this makes no sense. I don’t even know why I’m sharing this. I’ll delete it later. 

So I know that a couple of days ago I posted about how I was worried about how my parents would react to my report, but now that my dad’s moved so far away, I’ve only really realised how much my life is going to change. Obviously, the alternate weekend with him are LONG GONE and not even a possibility anymore, but other things. The little things. 
———

recently i’ve been feeling like everything is my fault recently. when i see that someone is upset, i always feel like it’s my fault, as if i’ve done something, said something, to make them sad. and i feel utterly shit about not being able to help them no matter what i try. i always feel like i can never say the right thing, and don’t want what i ay to be taken the wring way.

when i reach out to people i want to make sure that they’re okay, but most of the time i have no idea what to say to make them feel better. and that makes me shit afterwards, like i should be better at comforting them, especially when they are always there for me. and i look back on what i said and think to myself “why in hell did i say that? that was probably the worst thing to say.” it’s like i constantly need assurance that people aren’t mad at me.

and the other day , for some reason, almost everyone was annoying me in some little way and it wasn’t even them, it was just me being in a shit mood and i felt so bad for wishing to just be left alone by everyone at school. and, because of what i’ve said above, i don’t want it to seem like I’m pissed off with people because of how shit it can make them feel, and it wasn’t them, it was just me being irritable and a bitch.

and then there’s the feeling where it seems like i’m pissing everyone off all the time and am being annoying and it would just be better if i let them be, and stopped talking. i don’t know why it is that i always feel like i’m pissing people off, i just do, and it makes me feel horrible constantly, like i’m always doing something wrong. and then i probably piss everyone off because of how miserable and horrid i am to be around when i get these feelings.

——

This is something that I overthink about a lot, especially whether once I say the words “I love you”  platonically, people will leave. And I mean as best friends, nothing more. I’ve got a horrifically bad track-record when it comes to friendships, never had a best friend for more than a year and a half, each time I’ve been left heartbroken, with no idea what I did, a new person hating me, and now it’s so difficult for me to say the words.

I get worried, that as soon as I say “I love you guys,” everything will just go downhill. Maybe not straight way, but more that things will just eventually fall apart.

Maybe it’s not to do with the words, maybe I’m just scared of the friendship breaking down all the time. But it hurts more and more as my friendships break down.

I’m constantly worrying that I’ll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and people will leave me, think I’m rude, or just find me as someone that they don’t want to be around anymore. It’s like I’m walking on egg shells, but I’m not. I only think I am.

So, I’m obsessed with texting, I love it, and when some one doesn’t reply to a message I think “Oh they must be busy,” or “they haven’t seen it yet” but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “what did I do?”  “What did I do wrong?” I worry about it, and worry about it, until it’s all that I think about, and then they’ll message back, and I feel so stupid for worrying about it in the first place. As I said, I’m an over-thinker. And a moron.

And no matter how much someone tells me the opposite to all this, the thoughts seem to always be in my head. It’s inconsolable. And I don’t want it to be.

But it’s not like I’m scared of saying it. If I mean it, I mean it. And I want to say it. I’m just worried that me saying it will change things. And I don’t them to fall apart. Maybe that is me being scared.

I’m one of those people who wants to tell my friends how much they mean to me, but I often don’t know how to phrase it properly.  I constantly wonder if saying it sounds weird? Do I change things without realising? How does saying how I feel really change things? I feel like saying it face to face is impossible, like my friends will laugh it off, or won’t know what to say afterwards. And I can’t deal with that level of awkwardness.

Even if they say “i love you” I feel bad for not saying it back, or for not have saying it first. Or I’m worried that they’ll think that I’m just saying it and don’t mean it as much as they do because they were able to say it first. So that’s when I end up just saying “you too” because everything else just seems awkward. But then, that’s just a lazy response, and sounds like I don’t really mean anything at all.

But I do.

———

It’s like my mind is on over-load and overthinking, over-analysing everything. Every single action, word, look.

I’m not mistrustful, or suspicious, but a part of me wonders if everything is a lie. I’ve never had a straight answer given to me, everything in my life has been given to me in a twist of lies and half-truths. And, maybe now it makes me “mistrustful” of my friends, always believing that they just put up with me, but don’t really like me. And if the moment my back is turned, they say so. Even if there is absolutely nothing that could get a sensible human being to feel this way.

My brain can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take not believing anything. Maybe I can’t believe I’m friends with someone because all my friendships have gone to shit eventually. And to be honest, I’m paranoid that it will happen again.  

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10 thoughts on “Things ive been writing all year and not posting. 

  1. I know what you mean about the love thing. With some of my friends, I really do love and care for them but I don’t know how to say it because people say it jokingly and lightheartedly all the time and it bugs me. thanks for this post, can’t wait to read more of your blog

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m utterly amazed at your post. First, I want to say thank you for expressing yourself. Second, I want to say that you’re not alone In your thinking. I feel so strongly about every word you’ve typed. It’s the way I’ve spent my whole life thinking, and I don’t know that it’ll ever change. It has gotten better through the years, but I’ve chalked it up to an inferiority complex that commenced in my childhood and hasn’t totally left. I’m thinking it’s way more common than we think too.

    I love this post…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad that you can relate to this, because I think its always good to know that you’re not alone. It comforts me loads to know that I’m not the only person to feel this way. Thank you for reaching out to me, and now that people care for you an d value you and whatever you feel is valid and okay for you to feel that way. And the fact that you reached out to this complete stranger also shows that you’re a wonderful person.

      Like

  3. I’m the same. If someone doesn’t answer who is my friend, I think they’re mad at me. It’s an insecurity of mine. Same with I love you, because I used to tell my dad and he would say something like ok or good night. He wouldn’t say it back. Or just “you too.” That’s not the same.
    I know I don’t know you very well, but I have love for you. I really do. I know it sounds weird, but I can hear myself in your posts. The same fears and the same misgivings. The same doubt and frustration. The same worry that no one will ever “get” you. (They usually won’t btw, but they get close).
    I feel like you’re my teenage self. All I can say is I’ve felt it all myself and it does get better. I know it’s hard to believe or it’s one of those things people say, but now that I’m older and have been through it, I can still remember those feelings and can’t access them anymore. I still worry, don’t get me wrong. But the disappointment in myself for doing this or thinking that or feeling this has gone away. It really is the age and the high school world: it puts a lot of pressure on us and our feelings are so intense.
    If you ever need to talk, I’m on Twitter and you can DM me anytime.
    Btw, I don’t want you to think I don’t believe your feelings are valid, because they very much are. That’s why I am saying all this. Your feelings are validated and you are real. You matter.
    And this strange blogger on the internet cares. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, you always do and it is so wonderful of you. You’re advice comforts me so much because it reassures me that the doesn’t last forever and assures me that I’m not the only one to feel like this and have a mix of emotions. Thank you so much for reaching out to me ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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