My father messaged me today for the first time in a while. Since Easter we’ve spoken about three times and I feel so distant from him. I went from living with him to speaking to him three times in three months. How did we even get to this point? Oh yeah, he moved to fricking Cornwall.

He messaged our family group chat with:

Hello. I am coming up for the 18th of June. Can do lunch with E and Lu if E is not working. If this is agreeable can E or Lu book the restaurant for 1pm for four. Please let me know if this suits. Thanks

And I felt that it was really cold? It felt like a computer wrote it. No warmth whatsoever. Like, I don’t understand how he think my sister and I will want to talk to him he sends messages like that to us? He says to us to message him, but who would want to talk to someone when they respond colder than Siri would?

And the way he pushes plans on to us, like he didn’t even ASK if we wanted to have lunch with him. If Im honest, I’d rather not sit through that awkward lunch and have him act as though he can just waltz in and out of our lives whenever the hell he wants.

In moving away he’s fucked up our lives. He’s walked away from us and is in denial of this fact. Our relationship is going to end in a shitty way because realistically, who can keep up a relationship with their FATHER when he moves to the other side of the fucking country 4 and a half hours away?

It’s not like I can just go to his house when my mother is pissing me off with her boyfriends, which happened every time he’s there. Which is almost everyday. If I’m being honest, I feel like a fucking stranger in my own home because he kicked me out again and then moved away from us.

This distance has made me and my sister pissed, and scared and like things are falling to pieces, and my mother isn’t happy about it either. And now she’s acting bat shit crazy, and is all wrapped up in her new relationship and has completely forgotten my sister and me.

And my sister is leaving in a September to go to University. And I’m going to miss her like crazy. And it’ll be just me. I can see how it’s going to play out in my head: my dad will get pissier about not seeing my sister and complain about it. My mum will continue to date her annoying boyfriend and piss me off and I’ll continue to feel shit all the fucking time and want to escape. I already want to but I can’t. And my sister will be at uni, having to deal with all this shit and no one is going to be happy.

And here I am, getting all worked up about the change that’s happened and the change that will happen and I dread it so damn much.

What the fuck can I do? nothing, is the answer.



13 thoughts on “Changing.

  1. I have gone through something similar to you my lovely, and believe me I know how shitty it is. Some parents forget that being a parent is 24/7, they shouldn’t just pick and choose when they want to show you love or actually act like a parent. I’m sorry your sister is going away, hopefully you can talk often (but I know it’s not the same). Change sucks but you will get through it because you are a beautiful, strong person 😚😚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know I can’t help, nor can I reassure you that it will all turn out okay in the end but I can tell you that although this situation is happening, it will not last forever. Just like you said- everything is changing, but it will continue to change, It won’t stay dreadful forever. It may not turn out to be okay but it will change, and hopefully it will change for the better. Remember that eventually, you will be able to escape. You will be able to pursue your goals and your dreams eventually and try to focus on that and use all the negative energy to do something to reach your goal, to do anything positive.
    You’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not going to disguise how much it sucks. It does. The fact that you feel a stranger, and so shit, is awful because you should be able to be with both your parents when the fuck YOU want to, not when it suits them. That message does seem cold but remember that when E goes to uni, you won’t be entirely alone. Please use this as an outlet – or something – to remind yourself that even with the shittiness, you have people and you have a way to help yourself. I’m always gonna be here and I understand how much change terrifies you – and how shit those changes are – but you won’t be alone through it xx

    Liked by 1 person

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