Even the thought of posting this is inducing anxiety over seeming “attention seeking”.
I was going to schedule this for later on, but I avoid saying this anymore.
Honestly, I have no clue what to do anymore. I feel that over the past two months, the reality of my situation has become so undeniably real, and so excruciating real.And, God knows, how unbelievably grateful and honoured I am to be a part of this amazing community that has made me become more of who I am and has given me a voice when others have tried to take it away from me (this sounds so attention-seeking)
I’m second guessing every single word that I say here, second guessing everything in fear of people taking what I say wrong, or me phrasing something incorrectly, or sounding ungrateful for everything.
But, I think that it’s really hard for people to tell when I’m book-freaking out, or actually FREAKING OUT. Right now, it’s FREAKING OUT.
I want to be reading.
I want to be reading books from ages ago that I didn’t get the chance to read but then I’ll fall behind current new releases that I really want to read. No. They’re all new releases that I feel I HAVE to read otherwise the consequence will be that I “fall behind” and I’ll no longer be relevant to this community and I’ll “lose” my place here.
This sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but on the other hand, I know it’s not because I feel it, and as do other people.
I feel that I HAVE to read all the books, forgetting that I started this because I LOVE to read, not because I felt the need to read to stay relevant. It’s losing it’s worth sometimes because what I think when I read is “dfgjndkg I have to review this too” which is just getting to TOO MUCH WORK on top of other posts, and school work and READING posts, and reading other books. But then, I feel that I have to review books and promote them because that’s what a book blog is “MEANT TO BE“???
I feel that if I’m not reading 6 books a month, while catching up on releases from YEARS ago, and current releases, then I’m not doing a good job.
I want to be posting.
With all the pressure from the online community, but mainly the pressure that I exert on myself, I feel the need that my posts need to constantly be improving. And deliver this content that is MORE THAN PERFECT.But I know that I also need to take a break from blogging because of exams, and studying. BUT if I don’t go on hiatus, then I know that the pressure that I’m feeling from the internet, and the pressure that I put on myself, I will BURN out because I’ll just load on more and more pressure. I feel the constant need that I need to improve and do this, that and the other and that my posts need to be constantly better.
And I feel like I have to constantly improve in order to have a successful blog, and deliver this “PERFECT” content maybe every other day or so.
I actually felt BAD for not posting in FOUR days. I gave myself FOUR days to catch up with school work (the most important thing right now) BUT I STILL FELT BAD for not blogging.
Blogging is totally clouding over my priorities. The potential consequences of NOT blogging are totally clouding over my priorities.
I want to be writing.
I spoke about this
the other week yesterday in my Rising Author Tag but at the moment I’ve totally sacrificed my writing for studies, and I’m leaving it for the summer. I don’t want to get roped into my WIP out of complete fear that writing will become like blogging: something that I feel I need to spend all my time and energy on.
Obviously, I know that I will have to give myself free time every now and then to function as a human being and not have a breakdown for real, but the thought that I won’t be able to fully commit to this is just infuriating because I’ve spent so long trying to get back into writing and I feel that I have to give it up again. But it’s just not something I’m allowed to prioritise right now.
I want to be responding to comments!! / I want to be reading YOUR posts / I want to be blog hopping.
I want to be giving back to the community that has given me so much. I feel bad for not checking my reader every day. I feel bad for not commenting on every single post there. I feel anxiety over the number of posts in my reader even though I LOVE posts and I remember how much I love reading them and they make me so happy to read.But again, I feel that I’m not giving back to the community enough, even though I like and I comment consistently and I blog hop (weekly). I feel like everything that I’m doing has to constantly get better, and that includes giving back.
I NEED TO BE STUDYING / I NEED TO DO EXTRA WORK.
this is my priority. this should be my priority. I know that it needs to be. I’m scared that all the work that I’m going, and that I’ve planned isn’t going to pay off for the exams. I have 26 exams, in a 5 week period. I have exams such as history (which I write about 15 pages for in an exam) and English Language on the same day, (where I also write about 15 pages). ON THE SAME DAY.
My exams start in MAY but I’m already scared about not having enough time for anything. I‘m scared about going to my teachers to talk about it because that means losing time where I could be studying and I feel bad for pausing to eat for too long, I feel TERRIBLE for taking the morning off so that I can try and relax a bit before I study physics later on for a mock next week. I feel bad for pausing for a second to cry over how stressed I’m getting and to take a moment to feel what I’m feeling and try and process it when I really should be thinking about the Norman invasion and crime and punishment and then the representations of social class and moral responsibility in An Inspector Calls and the themes of Macbeth.
I feel like I’m about to break down. I’m not sleeping, I’m not relaxing, and I’m putting all this pressure on myself and I can’t even look at some people at school without feeling like I’m the worst human on the planet when they were the ones to make ME have some of the worst months considering my mental health. And it seems stupid that I should be panicking over what people think of me when I have all this going on.
And I know that so many people have more stress than me, which is why I feel bad for writing this because it IS attention seeking, and it IS unnecessary because so many other bloggers are going through the same thing and I should be focussing on supporting them rather than focussing on me. And I don’t want to talk about this with anyone because most of my friends don’t know about my blog, actually only blogging friends turned irl know about it, and even if I were to talk about just the school stuff, I know that they’re experiencing the same thing as me, so it seems unfair that I should express this panic while they don’t.
Well, this went wildly off topic and was meant to be about me not knowing whether or not to go on hiatus. I’m scared of what will happen if I go, (and what regardless of whether I go or not) but then I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t.
And now I shall exit slowly like none of this happened and continue on.